In a break from the usual positivity of Kinker Korner (what??) Ian Bonar, site runner, has requested this terribly negative list for poor old me to trudge through. Shame on him!. So here’s a chance to vent about the decades of guff I’ve put up with as a fan of the genre and it’s going to be fun. Oh and not that I should have to preface this but we all know what internet etiquette is nowadays so I feel I need to. This is purely MY OPINION and I’m a nostalgic, emotional, reactionary person so if I have a close bond to terrible movies or if I find some charm in awful flicks then I may like them in a weird way. Movies like the infamous Roger Corman produced Fantastic 4 movie won’t feature as they at least have a campy charm that brings some form of entertainment, no matter how ironic it is. It’s not going to be the same list as all the other ones you see around the internet. I think that’s what Kinkermaniacs like about this column. It may not be the best written but it’s emotionally truthful and that’s one thing I can always ALWAYS promise you as a reader. Hopefully that keeps you coming back. Oh and I have to have actually seen the movie….not just put it on because it’s commonly seen as a bad movie. Let’s get cracking, Love ye!
17. The Phantom: 1996
Kristy Swanson? great, The Phantom? cool, the director of Free Willy?……sure. So who have we got to play our purple clad pulp hero? …..Billy Zane……..Jesus wept!. Zane looks absolutely ridiculous in the get up and to be fair isn’t helped by less than stellar wardrobe department but he has so little charisma that he fails to bring any charm whatsoever to the role. These kinds of movies can be turned into cult classics if it’s lead brings charm and campy fun to it but the whole movie just comes off as confused and messy.
16. Batman vs Superman: Dawn Of Justice- 2016
Uh oh here comes the abuse. Again this is purely an opinion piece and I really strongly disliked this movie. It had some cool bits like Batman taking out a room of thugs but it mainly a dreary, clumsy, miserable mess with scenes seemingly jammed in to set up future movies rather than focusing on the one we are watching. A series of scenes stuck together without cohesion or structure with two grumpy protagonists grumping their way through a joyless grump fest. Zack Snyder is a great visual director, something of a visionary in that respect and one of his movies is actually going to be on my best comic book movies list but I just don’t think he is in anyway a story teller. Look every writer, director, producer has the right to interpret the characters however they see fit but I also have the right to complain about it. I hated this Batman, granted Affleck did what he was told to do and did it well but what he was told to do was baffling. How is he in any way a protagonist when he’s a rich playboy violently prejudiced against this alien hero and tries to kill him throughout the movie…only to lament his death later on?. Baffling stuff and everyone’s favourite boy scout Superman is morose and moping with little to no chemistry with Amy Adam’s Lois Lane. I could go on but I feel I’ve angered it’s fans enough, it’s still too fresh. Blurgh, no fun at all.
15. Fantastic Four: 2015
Another one fresh in the minds of many people and I would imagine none more so than director Josh Trank who quite frankly had a nightmare with this bomb. Many have said the blame for the troubled production lies with Trank himself as he acted immaturely, alienated his cast and generally acted like a big shot twat throughout filming. Others (mainly Trank) have blamed 20th Century Fox for interfering and messing with the film’s structure. Wherever the blame lies it’s the viewer that suffers because this movie is a real stinker. Boring, dull, aesthetically drab and has some hilarious continuity errors such as Sue Storm’s ever changing hair. The apparently brilliant, fresh cast stumble through the movie looking completely disinterested and have no chemistry whatsoever. I’ve never seen anything good or likeable about an adult Jamie Bell, I just don’t get it but Hollywood seems to like him so hey what do I know?. Don’t even get me started on this film’s treatment of Dr Doom……we’ll be here a while. At least the mid 00s efforts were fun….they weren’t good but they meant well and kids enjoyed them. I have no idea who this is aimed at, it’s just a complete non event. Oh and Thing looks like a giant dump…….fitting.
14. Catwoman: 2004
This almost didn’t make the list because it’s similar to some of those awful films with enough campy nonsense to have fun with but unlike those movies it’s just a cringe worthy fetish fantasy. Halle Berry is a beautiful woman but watching her prance around in bondage clothing and spouting nonsense cat puns gets old really quick. Being hot and wearing next to no clothes does not a good movie make. It’s tone is very similar to the Charlie’s Angels movies from around the same era and no doubt they were trying to grab that audience but this just fell flat in a big bad way. The kitty litter scene……I mean come on.
13. Jonah Hex: 2010
Josh Brolin is a great actor and I think Megan Fox gets a much harder time than she deserves but this flop was a disaster from start to finish. Fortunately that’s only around 80 minutes so it’s over and done in a short amount of time. I’m no Hex expert…..or Hexpert (waits for applause) but I’ve read a few stories here and there and I know a little bit about the character. Very little of what I know appeared in this 2010 effort and even Brolin himself is embarrassed by it. All in all it was a bit of a disaster, crashing hard at the box office and disappointing fans with it’s flat, muddled plot and poor dialogue.
12. Barb Wire: 1996
Based on a short lived and not particularly good Dark Horse comic, Barb Wire stars the inexplicably cast Pamela Anderson Lee as she was known at the time due to her marriage to to Tommy Lee who is most famous for hepatitis c and the catchy hit “Good Times”………(pause for hate). Other than a pair of huge boobs, she brings nothing to the screen with no charisma, no athleticism and no acting ability. It’s not even one of those movies that needs good acting ….just some form of ability. Temuera Morrison from the wonderful Once Were Warriors co stars and deserves better….the poor lad had the Star Wars prequels to look forward to as well. This cliched dystopian future crap deserved all the mauling it got.My buddy Ally had a poster of this on his wall when we were kids….dirty dirty boy.
11. Alien vs Predator: 2004
Never has a tagline been more apt. Years we waited for this, fans of both franchises had heard rumours that the comic series was going to be committed to celluloid and when it finally was it was nothing more than a wet fart. You have these 2 behemoths in sci fi horror movie history going head to head finally and what do we focus on? Boring humans with cookie cutter personalities. When will Hollywood learn that we’re there for the title characters….I’m thinking Transformer, Godzilla etc. They all share this unfortunate trend of stuffing tacked on human stories that end up dominating the focus. Look there’s nothing wrong with human involvement of course, it’s almost essential for relatability and driving the story but they should be there as a tool and not the main focus. The story revolves around some archeologists finding a pyramid that Predators are hunting aliens in or some crap. Who cares?.
10. Green Lantern: 2011
Whilst it’s not the blight on humanity that some critics claimed it to be it’s still a pretty big misfire. The almost omnipresent CGI was a poor decision and takes all the life out of the film and even the effects that were used weren’t of a particularly high quality. Ryan Reynolds is a likeable fella, I’ve thought so since I saw Van Wilder, a movie that had no right to be any good but his charisma pulled it through. Unfortunately it wasn’t enough here and he has a surprising lack of chemistry with Blake Lively which is odd because he ended up marrying her. I’ve never been a massive fan of Green Lantern comics so it wasn’t as big a letdown as some of the ones higher on the list. Just a poor movie badly cast, here’s hoping the next one is better.
9. Nick Fury: Agent Of Shield
That poster is proof positive that Stan Lee will shill anything if someone is listening. It’s only a tv movie so I’m giving it a little leeway but the fact I am being kind and it still ends up high on the list shows how brutal this movie is. Let’s discuss the Hoff thing shall we? It’s not cute and ironic to have him in things for ironic self deprecation because he’s a tool and it’s not funny. Here in Britain we are insanely guilty of putting this guy on an ironic pedestal and I really wish it would stop…..fair enough it has calmed down over the last few years so hopefully that’s the end of it. So if ever I have a session of hilariously bad movies with friends then this, nor any other Hoff movies will be involved. The plot has Fury come out of retirement to take down HYDRA….it’s pish.
8. The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen: 2003
It’s crazy how this one managed to fail. With it’s cast of characters pulled from the works of H.G Wells, Edgar Allan Poe and more it’s a supergoup of epic proportions. So why did this film based on the 1999 Alan Moore/Kevin O’ Neill comic fall so flat? It starts off in not bad fashion, introducing the characters in a decent way I guess but it falls off a cliff pretty soon after as inexplicable plot points and bizarre characterisation becomes more and more prevalent. I shouldn’t need to tell you that Alan Moore hated this because he hates everything but in this case he’s right to, it’s a shambles and what a way for Connery to go out. This was his last movie before retirement. …..until Sir Billi but we don’t want to discuss that.
7. The Crow: City Of Angels- 1996
After Alex Proyas directed the first Crow movie and it became a cult smash Mirimax tried to strike lightning twice by getting another music video director on board to do the sequel. Well it’s a goth movie right? so who better than Tim Pope, who directed loads of The Cure’s videos?. Turns out the first one was simply down to Proyas getting everything that made The Crow good. It played out like a music video, it was stylish and slick with a great soundtrack yes but it also took James O’ Barr’s heart wrenching story (seen in Kinker Korner’s most emotional moments in comics) and brought the heart and soul to the movie. Plus it’s synonymous with the tragic death of star Brandon Lee who was shot with a faulty prop gun during filing so anyone who replaced him was going to have a heard time.. It’s like a sequel to Rebel Without A cause two years after James Dean tragically died…..it just doesn’t sit well with fans. It didn’t help that there just wasn’t much heart in this one and all we were left with was style without substance.
6. Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance-2011
The first Ghost Rider film had a goofy charm to it with Nicolas Cage and Eva Mendes bringing a fun chemistry even though the movie itself was cliched Hollywood guff. It was at least watchable and a throwaway popcorn flick but this cynical sequel has no redeeming features and was painful to sit through. Early 00s levels of CGI, Cage doing his self aware loopy acting and a plot that manages to be insanely thin and convoluted which is quite the achievement. Just infuriating, awful effects and none of the charm that made the first one a bit of a cult guilty pleasure for some. Always fun to see Cage’s dyed black hair though…..
5. Elektra: 2005
Boriiiiiiiiiiiing. I could end it there but let’s have a wee chat about it. Coming off of the …..success? of 2003’s Daredevil movie (which I have a soft spot for) we were gifted with a movie exploring the back story of Matt Murdoch’s doomed lover where she trains to be an elite assassin. Jennifer Garner tries but she doesn’t get much help from the script and it’s just a really dull snoozefest. Nothing particularly offensive about it but being a massive fan of the Daredevil comics I have higher standards when it comes to adaptations of the franchise. Luckily the Netflix series has absolutely smashed it out the park and the two mid 00s efforts look lame in comparison.
4. Man Of Steel: 2013
I can give or take Superman in comics but even with that said I was excited about this one coming out. With studios getting serious about backing comic book movies these days it felt like they might bring a fun, hope filled story to balance out the grit of others such as the Dark Knight trilogy. It was announced that Zack Snyder would be at the helm and I was ok with that, as I said earlier he’s a great visual director and I’m not overly bothered about the story as long as it stays somewhat true to the source. So I fairly expected a fun, light, emotional adventure with whimsy and positivity. What we ended up with was a mopey, surly, aesthetically cold and steely bore fest. Basically take all of my issues with him in Batman vs Superman because it’s the same issues here. The argument that it needs to be this way to fit in with these grim and scary times……BOLLOCKS, the opposite is true dammit. We need hope, love, positivity more than ever now and we need the fantasy that a super being can make everything alright and be un-corruptable in these hate filled times. A massive letdown in every way.
3. The Spirit: 2008
Several awesome posters couldn’t save this jive turkey from becoming a massive box office and critical flop. Not that I give a single piece of crap about what critics think and this social media generation is obsessed with metacritic and rotten tomatoes etc. It’s good to have a look at for other people’s perspective but there have been loads of movies that critics hated and I loved so it really means nothing. Make your own minds up people and leave others be if they don’t like something you like. We’re all different and have our own opinions, deal with it. Anyway back to The Spirit…..a mean spirited (pun intended), all style, no substance, poorly plotted stinker with atrocious dialogue and flat attempts at humour that feel way out of place. It was directed by legendary comic book writer Frank Miller who’s ultra right wing style lost it’s irony some time after the sin city comics and just became nasty. It looks like the Sin City movie but without any of the knowing irony or fun involved that made that movie a blast to watch. Will Eisner who created the pulp hero The Spirit may rise from the grave to kick Miller’s arse.
2. The Dark Knight Rises: 2012
What the hell happened? Chris Nolan absolutely smashed it with Batman Begins, bringing a whole new found respect to the comic book movie. So much so it became one of my dad’s favourite movies. That’s a big deal for me as I’ve put him through some movies he hated and comic movies weren’t really his thing at all but he absolutely loved Begins. A smart, nuanced look at how Bruce Wayne became Batman ans set up the next movie nicely. Then we got The Dark Knight, a movie so great that people really started getting it….comic books have a purpose in the adult world and it’s time to get on board. Nolan then said he was finishing with the third movie, leaving it on a tightly knit trilogy. I was so excited I couldn’t wait for this movie to come out. Then the trailers started to come out…..and I started to see the wheels fall off. Bane didn’t look overly imposing and it was difficult to understand what he was saying but whatever it’ll still be great right? Well as it turns out it’s one of the most disappointing movies ever for me, there are so many odd decisions and bizarre pacing problems that it was one of the most frustrating visits to the cinema ever. Where to start? The entire police force heading underground leaving a lawless city above. A million story arcs going on in one movie, Batman having his back broken, thrown in an underground jail, healing and finding his way back to Gotham with no money or i.d. Nolan is so much more intelligent than all this nonsense. The ending!! my word that’s one of the worst endings to anything ever. I won’t go into that but Alfred should have knocked Bruce out!. Look it’s not a worse movie than any of the Snyder Superman flicks but it ends up so high on the list because of the ratio of my excitement to how it panned out. I was heartbroken. At least we have the first two classics to fall back on. I’m gonna get some heat for this rant haha.
1. Son Of The Mask: 2005
…Aaaaaaand here we go. The worst comic book movie ever according to moi. How do you replace Jim Carrey in his prime for the sequel to 1994’s well received The Mask?. Why Jamie Kennedy of course…..who in the name of Jiminy Cricket thought that would be a good idea?. I was going to say it’s harsh to compare it to the original because it clearly didn’t have a big budget. Then I checked out the stats and it had an 84 million dollar budget!!. If you’ve seen this movie that’ll blow your mind. It looks so so bad….the original which came out 11 years previous doesn’t just look better it blows it out the water. Jamie Kennedy is awful in almost everything I’ve seen him in barring Scream. He has no comic timing, very little charisma and comes off like that guy at school that is super normal and popular but acts all craaaaazy and nerdy. There’s something so false about him and it shines through here. Man that was harsh on a guy I’ve never met but hey that’s how it comes off. It’s another sequel that completely misses what made the first one work and just goes all out with the wacky effects but forgot to write any jokes that are anything less than painful. Awww man it’s just brutal, obnoxious and the least funny comedy movie I’ve ever seen. There are some bad comedy movies but you can let it go because maybe it’s just not your thing but this actually angered me with Kennedy’s self aware, obnoxious yelling. I’ll stop now but I could go on, that’s how much this piece of excrement sucked. Let’s leave it there shall we?.
Ok now breathe…..phew that was a lot of pent up anger that came flying out there but it was cathartic. I promise the next list I’ll be back to being positive and gushing over thiungs I love. Everyone loves a negative list now and again though so hopefully you enjoyed it. If you want me to do a list of your choosing hit me up @swing_kinker or on here…..or on the facebook page….or just call out in the street. I’ll come running, anything for you. Love to the Kinkermaniacs out there. Until next time.