Kinker Korner’s Top 31 Movies Of 1982 NSFW

Well, I wasn’t able to get to 35 for this one. During my research I decided I wasn’t going to just add some “meh” movies to make uup the numbers so I have to actually like them at least even if they’re not classics. I’ll not lie to you Kinkermaniacs that is for sure so because of that we have a slightly shorter list than usual. 

 

31. The Slumber Party Massacre

One for the “awful movies I like” file. This actually started out as a parody of slasher movies but somewhere during production the genius suits changed the plans and demanded that they make it a standard slasher to cash in on the trend. So what we get is a movie that clearly has some scenes that were intended to be funny mixed with others that you’re not sure what the intention was. So there are intentional and unintentional laughs all throughout and it’s an absolute mess…..a wonderful mess.

Best Bit- Pizza time

 

30. The New York Ripper

A video nasty from Italian sleaze and gore meister Lucio Fulci that really is about as by the numbers as a slasher gets but hey, we’re not into slashers for the high brow political commentary are we?. It’s nasty, mean spirited and leaves a bad taste and although that sounds negative, when you think about it any form of art wants to make you feel something. There’s nothing worse than apathy and this nasty piece of work had me feeling pretty bad about myself for days. Job done.

Best Bit- The eye!

 

29.Come Back To The Five And Dime Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean

I first saw this movie for two reasons. One was that Mark Patton from Elm Street part 2was in it and I was a huge fan of the movie at that time. The other reason was that I was a huge fan of James Dean and 50s nostalgia in media so it seemed right up my alley. It’s a sweet movie about a Jimmy Dean fan club who meet up after years apart and reminisce.

Best Bit-Revealing secrets

 

28. Legendary Weapons Of China

An historical martial arts fantasy epic in which a group of warriors are sent to look for supernatural fighters that can resist bullets fired from invading westerners. Some excellent fight scenes in this flick starring Lau Kar-Leung who also directed with excellent choreography and scenery.

Best Bit- Monk fight

 

27. Cat People

An erotic thriller directed by Paul Schrader who wrote the screenplays for a bunch of Scorsese movies like Taxi Driver and Raging Bull and starring German former model Nastassja Kinski. It’s mostly known for it’s theme song by David Bowie although it’s a solid supernatural horror in it’s own right. There’s not a huge amount of werecat movies out there, this is a good one.

Best Bit- Leopard attack

 

26.An Officer And A Gentleman

A classic in the romantic drama genre and a movie that had housewives swooning over Richard Gere worldwide. I knew all about the most famous scene in this movie years before I saw it due to the Simpsons’ parody of it. It was a heavily parodied scene for years and one that was even incorporated into people’s weddings such was the popularity of the film. It’s standard romantic fare set on a naval aviation candidate school.

Best Bit- Nowhere else to go

 

25. Alone In The Dark

It’s slasher time again and this one was a first attempt at the genre from New Line Cinema who would go on to do the Elm Street series a couple of years later. Interestingly it’s directed by former New Line editor Jack Sholder who would go on to direct Elm Street part 2. This one concerns escaped mental patients tormenting a family during a town blackout. Martin Landau, Donald Pleasance  and Jack Palance add some legitimacy to the movie and genre here.

Best Bit- Up from the basement

 

24. Q, The Winged Serpent

A B-movie cult classic from B-movie cult director Larry Cohen starring the excellent character actor Michael Moriarty who is ace in this movie. If you’re a fan of the 50s monster movie phenomenon then this is right up your street with corny but charming stop motion animation and a genuinely solid performance from Moriarty.

Best Bit- Up on the roof

 

23. Class Of 1984

A cheesy teen crime thriller that heavily utilised the punk aesthetic of the early 80s with the mohawks and stud etc so it instantly gets me interested. It also features an early appearance from Michael J. Fox. A new teacher arrives at a violent inner city school and attempts to stem the tide as they get more and more out of control.

Best Bit- Teenage Head concert

 

22. The Beastmaster

A fantasy movie from Don Coscarelli of Phantasm fame. A witch steals a child from his mother’s womb and the kid grows up to be a warrior named Dar who can communicate telepathically with animals. His village is destroyed and he goes on an adventure to get revenge. There are not many of those buff guy, sword and sorcery movies these days and that’s a shame as they definitely have a place in cinema, however corny they are. All the posters of those movies look like Manowar album covers….or vice versa I guess.

Best Bit- Quicksand

 

21. Ninja In The Dragon’s Den

A martial arts action flick starring the brilliantly named Conan Lee and my boy Hiroyuki Sanada. It’s a typical kung fu revenge story with some great fight scenes and a nice China/Japan crossover with actors from both countries and fighting styles representing both too. 

Best Bit- Table fight

 

20.Swamp Thing

The legendary Wes Craven sidestepped the hardcore horror genre he’d become known for again to take on one of DC Comics’ more obscure but fascinating characters. Much like the source material, the movie is a hybrid of old monster movies and romantic drama and although when you look at the budget and quality of many of the modern comic movies it’s relatively lame in comparison it still has a lot of heart and Craven managed to make what looks like B movie schlock into a compelling story.

Best Bit-“Everything is a dream when you’re alone”

 

19. Conan The Barbarian

Another comic book movie, this one based on the Robert E. Howard comics and one that I totally overlooked in my comic book movies list….I’ll have to go back and amend that. A young Arnie makes his breakthrough here in this tale of dark sorcery and savage battles and it’s well directed by John Milius with a screenplay by Oliver Stone of all people and a great score from Basil Poledouris. It’s as simple as storytelling gets, big muscle man gets revenge with swords but it’s damn fun. James Earl Jones plays an evil wizard….sold.

Best Bit- Thulsa transformation

 

18. Star Trek 2; The Wrath Of Khan

KHAAAAAAAN!!!!!!. I’m by no means a Star Trek fan but my pal Richard is so I would sometimes give it a go for him and I ended up really enjoying this one. I think it’s often regarded as the best of the movies among trekies….I’m prepared to be corrected but I believe that’s the consensus. A really good villain in Khan played by Ricardo Moltalban really helps the story along nicely and it’s got a really good pace to it. Enjoyable, even for non trekies.

Best Bit- Spock dies

 

17. Basket Case

A cult classic horror comedy about a young man who carries about his former conjoined twin in a wee basket and swears revenge on those who separated them. It’s mental splatterpunk gore and humour that is definitely an acquire taste and is by no means for everyone. If you like goofy, cult budget horror with terrible acting then give it a shot but don’t blame me if you don’t like it….I’m just weird.

Best Bit- Revenge

 

16. Rocky 3

“My prediction? PAIN” What a weird entry into the Rocky franchise this one was with Hulk Hogan coming into his performance as a wrestling star and ending up a worldwide phenomenon and Mr T as the main antagonist who also became a pop culture icon. It also contains the unintentionally hilarious scene in which Micky dies….I’m sorry but Stallone losing his shit and screaming unintelligible nonsense is brilliant. Nonetheless it’s a fun movie that’s been parodied to death with homo erotic montages and the incredibly annoying Survivor song, Eye Of The Tiger.

Best Bit- Clubber heckles Rocky

 

15 (tied). Shaolin Temple

An 18 year old Jet Li burst onto the scene in his debut movie and instantly showed why he would become a worldwide superstar with his good looks and incredible physical abilities. I’ve gushed about Li so much through the 90s lists so I’m not going to do the same here. This is far different to the movies I’ve talked about before as it’s far more traditional in the genre. It wasn’t until later that he broke off into a more westernized style so it’s nice to see him in a different style of kung fu movie.

Best Bit- Final fight

 

15 (tied). Dragon Lord

This was a transition point for Jackie Chan who wrote, directed and starred in this martial arts movie because he started to add the more elaborate and incredible stunts he’d become known for, breaking many bones in the process. While he hadn’t quite perfected the formula at this point you can see him taking the genre in new directions and includes some great scenes.

Best Bit- The final fight

 

 

 

14. Tron

A cyberpunk family film from Disney starring Jeff Bridges who gets zapped into computer software and has to escape by navigating and interacting with the programmed inside. Known for it’s incredible effects and visuals at the time it played on every kid’s dream of being inside computer games but it took nightmare life and death turns. I don’t regard it as highly as some of my friends do as many see it as an all time classic but I still thoroughly enjoyed it.

Best Bit- Light cycles

 

12. Friday The 13th Part 3

The franchise jumped into the re-emerging 3d trend of the 80s and it’s a fun entry despite the very obvious shots that were intended for 3d and just look awkward when watching in standard vision. You know what you’re getting here, standard slasher fare from one of the premier franchises but one standout is this is the one where Jason picked up the hockey mask and started a pop culture juggernaut.

Best Bit-Handstand kill

 

 

12. Ghandi

Despite the strange whitewash casting of Ben Kingsley as famous Indian pacifist campaigner Mahatma Ghandi, he does a terrific job in the role and looks uncannily like him. He stood against the British rule of India in a non violent manner and became an important philosopher for the modern age. The major, impactful events in his life are depicted concluding with his assassination and f2neral in this biopic from Richard Attenborough.

Best Bit-  The protest speech

 

 

11. Fast Times At Ridgemont High

The teen comedy that took a girl next door cutie in Phoebe Cates and turned her into a pop culture sensation in the pool scene that is still being talked about today. From Fountains Of Wayne, Family Guy, to Fenix TX referencing it, it really hit home for kids who were hitting puberty at the time. Amazing what a pair of titties can do. A great soundtrack and some fun performances make this one of the non John Hughes teen movies that defined a generation. ….just don’t ask me to praise Sean Penn much, can’t stand him despite him clearly being a good actor and he’s actually likeable in this one.

Best Bit- Ok ok I’ll go with the pool scene

 

10. Poltergeist

The debate about who directed this classic supernatural horror has been a bone of contention for many over the years. Was it Tobe Hooper? Was it Spielberg as advertised? A mixture of both?. Whatever the case we ended up with a surprisingly scary movie considering it was marketed as a family friendly horror in the tradition of jaws etc. Despite it’s troubled production it’s a solid movie and it’s fitting we’re talking about Hooper as he just passed away last week as I write this unfortunately. By all accounts a good man and well respected in the horror community and overall movie community as a whole.

Best Bit- “They’re heeeeere”

 

 

9. Rambo: First Blood

The beginning of yet another Stallone franchise that became a monster success. This one tells the tale of John Rambo, a Vietnam vet with ptsd who is abused by corrupt law enforcement in a small town and fights back, using his survival skills to stay one step ahead of them. It managed to be an 80s action movie that also incorporated solid acting from Stallone unlike a lot of movies in the genre. Far more grounded than the franchise would go on to become.

Best Bit- “They drew first blood”

 

8. The Secret Of Nimh

The directorial debut of the great animation legend Don Bluth is a children’s movie that doesn’t pander to it’s audience even slightly with dark themes of genuine peril that adults can get great enjoyment out of also. It’s a little clustered with so many characters but all in all it’s a fantastic tale with beautiful animation and solid voice acting.

Best Bit- The dragon fight

 

7. The Dark Crystal

Jim Henson and Frank Oz’s fantasy puppet masterpiece was nightmare fuel for many a kid  when they saw this. It was clearly aimed at kids but the mixture of the dark material and the creepy nature of the puppets terrified many kids which is pretty hilarious but what a great and unique film it is. The dark crystal is a powerful gem that keeps balance in the world and park of it is broken off and missing so it’s an adventure to find the missing piece. The visuals are just true fantasy, inventive and beautiful.

Best Bit-The ending

 

6.48 Hrs

The great Walter Hill directs  Eddie Murphy’s movie debut in this buddy cop action comedy that set the standard for the new modern era of buddy movies. Murphy went from popular stand up comic to worldwide superstar. Nick Nolte plays a cop who must team up with Murphy’s  convict to take down cop killers and they have two days to do it.

Best Bit- Getting out of prison

 

5. Creepshow

An anthology horror movie with segments written by Stephen King and directed by George A. Romero (who sadly passed away recently) that was heavily influenced by the classic E.C horror comics. Tom Savini was hired for the effects which is not surprising as he’s been on these lists about a million times and was always an incredibly reliable and inventive hand when it came to creating exciting gore. Nearly every segment is a hit here, such a fun film.

Best Bit- The cake

 

 

4. Sophie’s Choice

An absolute powerhouse performance from Meryl Streep in this powerful movie as a Polish immigrant to New York in 1947  in an abusive relationship with a man played by a debuting Kevin Kline. It’s mostly known for the harrowing scene from which the title is derived. A brutally sad, anger inducing and affecting movie that rightfully got the plaudits it deserved.

Best Bit- The choice

 

 

 

 

3. E.T. The Extra-Terrrestrial

Often considered to be Spielberg’s masterpiece, this family film sees an alien stuck on earth who makes friends with some children who try to help him get home while keeping him hidden from their parents and the government who are looking to capture him. It’s incredibly warm, good natured, emotional and funny and acts as an almost perfect family film. I’m sure you’ve seen it, you don’t need me to explain it.

Best Bit- E.T gets steamin’

 

2. The Thing

The brilliant John Carpenter took a break from the slasher genre to create one of the greatest sci fi horror movies all time. Kurt Russell is brilliant in the lead role as part of a research team in Antarctica who become trapped with an alien parasite that can destroy and imitate lifeforms. The group begin to turn on each other as they become enveloped in paranoia as they can’t tell if their co workers are possessed or not. It’s a masterclass in tension building and incredible practical effects. 

Best Bit- Defibrillator 

 

1. Blade Runner

A cyberpunk masterpiece and the pinnacle of the genre that I love. Still to this day it receives a mixed reception with some finding it plodding and confusing but I have always found it utterly engaging, stunningly beautiful in it’s grimy aesthetics. Harrison is great and understated as the protagonist with a great performance from Rutger Hauer. It’s based on the excellent Philip K. Dick novel Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep? and although it differs a lot in many ways but still stays true to the theme. There have been several versions of the movie released from the original theatrical cut to the final cut, the latter of which is my personal favourite. An absolute work of genius from Ridley Scott and a movie I think about so often and debate the themes in my head and I could go on forever about it. Just wonderful. Fingers crossed the new one gets anywhere close to the quality.

Best Bit- That opening…….sigh

 

There we go then, I didn’nt manage to hit the 35 quota but holy crap if there aren’t some absolute classics in there. Hopefully more of the same in 1983. Check back here to find out. Cheers folks, catch me @swing_kinker

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