KINKER KORNER’S TOP 33 MOVIES OF 2009 NSFW

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It’s the end of the 00s. Let’s see what it brought us.

 

33. Friday The 13th

You know what? It’s grown on me. It’s not in any way original, it’s not one of the best in the series but it’s not as bad as I first thought it was. It’s perfectly watchable, there’s a couple of good kills, Derek Mears is an excellent Jason Voorhees who runs full pelt and Amanda Righetti is a likeable final girl.

Best Bit-Impaled road trip

 

32. Jennifer’s Body

Karyn Kusama’s tongue in cheek horror movie was not well received by mainstream critics and I have no doubt that the fact it was released during the backlash to the media frenzy around pretty girl Megan Fox but it found a home with horror fans who saw it for what it was. Fox and Amanda Seyfried are great as high school friends, one of whom is a socially awkward nerd and the other is a smoking hot popular girl who happens to also be possessed by a demon. It was written by Diablo Cody of Juno fame.

Best Bit-Actual evil

 

31. Avatar

What a journey this fantasy movie has been on. First came the hype, then the imax sensation, then the massive financial success and of course the inevitable backlash. So…I stand somewhere in the reasoned middle whereas I enjoy the fantasy setting, the morality is fine and the visuals are obviously stunning but I also see that it’s heavy handed, the plot isn’t great and some of it doesn’t really make sense. So with all said I found it an enjoyable movie but nowhere near worth the media sensation and hype it got.

Best Bit-Meeting the Na’vi

 

30. Confessions Of A Shopaholic

Deal with it, I found this movie to be loads of harmless fun. Isla Fisher is perfect for these kinds of quirky comedy roles as she’s so charming and utterly likeable. Just a fun little movie about a woman obsessed with shopping and finding love….I really should hate this movie but meh….I don;t.

 

29. Taken

An action revenge film that became famous for Liam Neeson’s endlessly parodied “I will find you” phone speech. A young girl and her friend travel to France for a holiday and get kidnapped. One of the girl’s dad’s goes tits and smashes everyone involved.

Best Bit-Found him!

 

28. The Haunting In Connecticut

Oh bugger off with that “based on true events” nonsense. A family whose son is suffering from cancer move into a new house to reduce the stresses of travel find out that their new house is already occupied….by spooooooky thiiiiings. It wasn’t well reviewed but horror usually isn’t and to be fair it’s pretty by the numbers so maybe for genre fans only. The very underrated Virginia Madsen stars.

Best Bit-Hide and seek

 

27. Antichrist

Oh boy…ok if you read these lists and watch movies based on my recommendations then hear me out on this one. This is NOT for everyone…in fact it’s probably only on for a small portion of society. It is brutally visceral and…..ok look a woman cuts her clit off with rusty scissors….ok fine I said it!. A weird art film from Lars Von Trier where a couple who have recently lost a child take a break and go to an isolated cabin where they start to experience extreme feelings of sadomasochism and experience visions.

Best Bit-Lay on the grass

 

26. The Hurt Locker

A multiple Oscar winner this low on the list? Well, yes indeed I just didn’t get it….I mean it’s a good movie and I enjoyed it but the mental hype over it being one of the best movies ever. Each to their own and all that but….I just didn’t see it like that. I saw it, liked it, moved on. Kathryn Bigelow’s look at a bomb disposal unit during times of war is interesting and powerful……..but aye. It’s theatrical release was 2009 by the way, 2008 for Cannes so it counts.

Best Bit-Car bomb disposal

 

25. Ong Bak 2

The follow up to the brilliant martial arts movie that made Tony Jaa into a deserved star is more Muay Thai, spectacular stunty action. This time though it’s set in 15th century Thailand for some reason but it makes for some really pretty visuals and an epic historical vibe as opposed to the grimy urban aesthetic of the first movie.

Best Bit-Final fight

 

24. Fantastic Mr Fox

Wes Anderson’s predictably hipster adaptation of the Roald Dahl’s book is a lot of fun and has an all star voice cast with George Clooney’s silky delivery and Meryl Streep bringing the dramatic chops. I’m a huge fan of stop motion which seems to be a dying art so to see used so well here is a real treat.

Best Bit-Meeting the crew

 

23. The Time Traveler’s Wife

Oh shut up, leave me alone. It’s manipulative, melodramatic and so sweet it gives you diabetes but you know what?….it did what it set out to achieve. I cared about the characters (played by two likeable actors which helped) and got emotional at the sad bits so it did it’s job and I was invested. The fact they added sci fi into the usual romantic drama is a nice wee bonus too.

Best Bit-Last goodbye

 

22. Vengeance

A French chef and former assassin (played by the late Johnny Hallyday, the man who brought rock and roll to France) goes to Hong Kong to smash the triads that attacked his family. It doesn’t break the mold but it is incredibly stylish, looks great and is thoroughly entertaining. 

 

 

21. The House Of The Devil

Ti West is making a big name for himself in the underground horror scene and it’s only a matter of time before he breaks out huge. This was the movie that really got him noticed and it’s a slow, beautifully tense psychological horror about a young woman who takes a babysitting job at a house only to discover there is no kid and the eccentric owners just want them to watch the house. It’s great stuff for fans of big buildups like The Shining.

Best Bit-Not the babysitter?

 

20.Where The Wild Things Are

Based on the children’s book of the same name that is apparently very popular in the states (I hadn’t heard of it until the movie) this Spike Jonze movie sees a lonely young boy sail to an island and become “king” of a group of friendly monsters. Jonze is a master of quirky cult movies and this saw him try to break into a more mainstream role but his quirky sentimentality is still all over the place here. It’s a mix of whimsy, horror, emotional gut punches and tributes to the imagination.

Best Bit-The final howl

 

19. Anvil! The Story Of Anvil

A brilliant documentary about a metal band that came so close to breaking big, touring with successful bands and building their fanbase but it just never happened for them and they seemingly disappeared off the face of the musical map. This movie follows them decades later working regular jobs but still dreaming of making it big. It’s heartbreaking to anyone who has struggled in a band but also inspiring and a testament to the human spirit, lasting friendships and a never give up attitude.

Best Bit-Ending

 

18. Watchmen

Zac Snyder was onto a losing battle adapting a hugely popular and critically acclaimed graphic novel from Alan Moore because whatever he did it wasn’t going to be good enough for some. Snyder is a brilliant visual film maker but he’s a terrible storyteller so all I wanted was for him to take the most important parts, don’t change them and add the visual flare to them. For the most part that’s what he did apart from the famous change to the ending which didn’t bother me too much as it made sense in context to the rest of the movie. I thoroughly enjoyed his take and seeing some of my favourite comic coming to life was a real treat.

Best Bit-Rorschach in prison

 

17. Public Enemies

The increasingly creepy and sleazy Johnny Depp stars in this Michael Mann directed adaptation of the final years of John Dillenger’s life. Dillinger was a notorious bank robber during the great depression and this movie follows the FBI’s attempts to track him down and bring him to justice. Some great performances from the likes of Depp and Billy Crudup.

Best bit-Jail break

 

 

 

16. Cloudy With A  Chance Of Meatballs

What a surprising little charmer this was. With the voice talents of Bill Hader, Anna Faris, Bruce Campbell and more, the adventures of an aspiring scientist and his personal relationships make for a really entertaining, funny, sweet little underrated gem.

Best Bit-Spaghetti tornado

 

15. District 9

A sci fi horror drama that’s about as in your face as you can get about racism and xenophobia. It’s an alternative reality story in which aliens have landed and live on Earth where they are the subject of segregation, fear and mistrust. Neil Blomkamp switches between found footage and standard filming for a realistic and gritty style.

Best Bit-Wielding the weapon

 

14 (Tied). 20th Century Boys 2: The Last Hope

It’s very rare that a trilogy all comes out in the space of a year but following on form the first part covered in the last list here we see the phenomenally popular manga continue to come to life. The world is still under threat from “Friend” and his cult and our loveable gang have until the turn of the millennium to save the world.

 

14 (Tied). 20th Century Boys 3: Redemption

….and then we have the finale. Obviously a lot of stuff from the long running manga had to be left out as it would probably have to be a 40 movie franchise to fit it all in but it may be confusing to some with no knowledge of anything but I think if you watch from the start you should be fine.

 

13. Black Dynamite

Both a spoof and a loving tribute to blaxploitation movies with Michael Jai White in the lead role. Spoofing on movies like Dolemite, Shaft, Foxy Brown and more it’s a laugh out loud take on a genre I love so it’s right up my street. Hilarious and endlessly quotable.

Best Bit- Selling drugs to the community

 

12. The Lovely Bones

Jesus wept was I ever lured into a false sense of security with ths one. It looks all cutesy and whimsical but it ends up being one of the bleakest movies I’ve seen in a while. Peter Jackson adapts the book of the same name about a young girl who is murdered and watches over her family. It’s a tale of vengeance, love, protection and it’s not what I was expecting at all. I went in blind and was totally surprised….that doesn’t happen much these days so it was quite something and it’s mix or shocking violence and sentimentality could have been jarring but works well. The critics were on crack when reviewing this one.

Best Bit-Finding the truth

 

 

11.Zombieland

When exactly did Jesse Eisenberg become an insufferable twat?. Maybe he always was and I just never saw interviews with him when this movie came out. He’s a discount Michael Cera but his shtick works well in this comedy zombie movie. The gimmick of these people surviving by using the rules of zombie movies is fun and the dialogue is punchy. Just a fumy movie.

Best Bit-Intro

 

10. Tokyo!

An anthology movie with three segments by non Japanese directors that looks at life in Japan’s capital. Michael Gondry of France, Leos Carax also of France and Bong Joon-Ho of South Korea are the directors and they each bring something unique to the movie, particularly Gondry’s bizarre Kafka-esque dreamy short.

Best Bit-Interior Design

 

9. Inglorious Basterds

Tarantino’s stylish and tongue in cheek war movie is hyper violent (shock) and follows two groups as they try to assassinate the Nazi leaders. It has a big cast of stars like Brad Pitt, Eli Roth, Diane Kruger and more and if you like Tarantino’s style and use of violence, language and diatribes then you’ll love this.

Best Bit-Oblige him

 

8. The Hangover

A massively successful comedy movie directed by Todd Philips about a group of friends and their crazy stag party in Las Vegas. It became a huge pop culture phenomenon and played itself out but for a while it was hilarious with a great cast of characters and some brilliant scenarios.

Best Bit-Waking up

 

7. Precious

It’s a strong year for movies that make you want to top yourself. A horrendous but utterly captivating story of a morbidly obese young girl living in poverty and suffering brutal bullying from classmates and her family. Some absolute powerhouse, grounded performances from a debuting Gabourey Sidibe, Mo’Nique, Paula Patton and most surprisingly Mariah Carey.

Best Bit- Nobody loves me

 

6. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

A Swedish thriller based on the popular Stieg Larsson novel of the same name about murder, torture, extortion and a punk rock hacker hired by a wealthy family.Noomi Rapace is great in the lead role and provides an incredible heroine for the ages in this mean, nasty and hard to watch thriller.

Best Bit-Tattooing a rapist

 

5. Drag Me To Hell

Sam Raimi’s return to gross out horror is a spectacular one and what a thrill ride it is too. A young loan officer has a curse placed on her by an old gypsy woman after refusing her a loan.  From then on she’s haunted by demons who want to take her to hell. Alison Lohman is likeable in the lead and it’s a shame that she left acting behind not long after this for whatever reason, I believe she started a family. Raimi revels in set pieces and gross imagery and although I would have liked less cgi and more of the practical effects his movies were famous for in the early days it’s still a blast.

Best Bit-Ending

 

4. Thirst

Proving his versatility and quality in several genres, South Korean mastermind Park Chan-Wook delivers the best vampire film in years. Like many vampire stories (before it became about emo teens) it’s about lust, forbidden love and seduction. Song Kang-Ho stars and it’s nice to see him in a role like this as we last saw him collaborate with Park fro Sympathy For Mr Vengeance in which he wasn’t having the best time ever.

Best Bit-Ending

 

3. Moon

Duncan Jones’ brilliant minimalist sci fi thriller stars an excellent Sam Rockwell as an astronaut nearing the end of his three year mining mission on the far side of the moon. He only has his robot buddy GERTY for company as he starts to lose his sanity. Rockwell pretty much has to carry the movie and does a hell of a job.

Best Bit- I wanna go home

 

2. The Road

Ok we’re back to the bleak movies now and this one may just be the bleakest of the bleak. Based on Cormac McCarthy’s post apocalyptic novel of the same name. A man and his son travel the wasteland in search of supplies and fresh water, coming across all kinds of atrocities on their way. It’s a great adaptation of a fantastic book but don’t go in expecting a fun time.

Best Bit-The thief

 

1 Up

The first ten minutes alone is some of the best family cinema ever but thankfully the whole movie is just utterly magical. A grumpy old man making friends with a young boy, a floating house, talking dogs and a whole lot of laughs. Pixar nail it out the park with this emotional, funny and heart warming adventure and it rightfully tops the list….it’s a perfect family movie.

Best Bit-Intro

 

Well then that was quite a trip through the 00s. Hope you enjoyed it too and thanks for looking in. As always catch me @swing_kinker to discuss it or request a list. Cheers x

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