KINKER KORNER’S TOP 33 VIDEO GAMES OF 2009 NSFW

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Hot damn wait until you see the top half of this list….Some all timers in here. Let’s crack on then.

 

33. 50 Cent: Blood On The Sand-Xbox 360

No I’m not joking!. My wee brother gave me this pile of absolute nonsense for a joke and I ended up having a surprising amount of fun. The storyline and dialogue are hilariously shit and it’s one of those so bad it’s good kind of things. There’s even a swear button so you can hear Fiddy yelling expletives at will…..beautiful.

 

32.Up-Xbox 360

A lovely throwback to the golden days of Disney  games being great. Whilst this isn’t exactly great I got this after watching the movie and my my ex and I played through it in one go. We had a great time in co op and it really did take me back to the good old days. Just a fun, simple, family fun platform adventure.

 

31.Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars-DS

It was a hell of a shock to learn that Rockstar’s flagship controversial series was coming to a Nintendo handheld system. Nintendo are usually very family orientated but occasionally they throw a spanner into the works like this and it’s a return to the original games with the top down perspective. Whilst obviously not as deep as the other GTA games of the time it has a really engaging story and evokes memories of the first game in the series.

 

30. Rhythm Paradise-DS

A wonderful little rhythm game using the DS’ stylus where you tap and drag along in time with the music and little cartoons play out. Loads of little scenarios and mini games play out with catchy songs brilliantly using the DS and it’s features.

 

29. Final Fantasy 13-Xbox 360

Wow, the outcry when this entry into the monstrously popular JRPG series was released was quite something. I can understand why hardcore fans were disappointed with the hand holding, the ridiculously long prologue and the linear nature of the first several hours but I just didn’t think it was all that bad. I thought the combat system was implemented well and boy did it look stunning. Vanille is a massive pain in the arse though….I switch off whenever she talks. Oh the Leona Lewis song she did for it was actually pretty cool too (as seen in the stunning trailer below) as well as the battle song.

 

28. Infamous-Playstation 3

A new i.p for the playstation and a new popular protagonist in Cole MacGrath . Sucker Punch who were known for the excellent Sly Cooper series moved in a more serious direction with this superhero action game influenced by darker comic books like Brian Wood’s exquisite DMZ series. It also had a karma system in which you could use your new found powers to help citizens of the city or make their lives a living hell. The story unfolds depending on that karma system.

 

27. Virtua Tennis 2009-Playstation 3

The brilliant arcade style tennis game from Sega returns and it got a lot of stick from critics for not innovating enough and sticking to the same formula. I’m fine with that to be honest as the game always captures a fun arcadey element with it’s simple mechanics and great graphics. This game added players like Scotland’s own Andy Murray, Roger Federer and Maria Sharapova.

 

26. Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors-DS

A DS puzzle adventure game in which 9 people are abducted and trapped on a sinking ship where they are forced to solve puzzles to escape rooms. The rest of the game is a visual novel in which you choose the direction in which the plot moves. The puzzles are often clever and exciting and the plot unfolds in quite a intriguing way.

 

25.Brutal Legend-Playstation 3

Both frustrating and incredibly charming, this Tim Schafer directed strategy adventure is a love letter to heavy metal and it’s fans. Jack Black plays Eddie Riggs, a roadie who is uninspired by the modern state of metal who gets sucked into a world modeled after album artwork with loads of cameos from rock legends like Lemmy and Ozzy. The fantasy world is led by demons and Eddie must help the humans rise up and fight back. It’s a great premise and the story is so much fun but the drawback is the frustrating strategy gameplay. It really should have just been an action game in my opinion.

 

24. House Of The Dead: Overkill-Wii

This entertaining light gun series has always been known for it’s B-movie style and hilariously bad voice acting and so they went full on with the grindhouse nonsense and it turned out intentionally hilarious. F-bombs flying every second with the stereotypical black badarse, a rookie cop and a cast of characters that could have come from a 70s Roger Corman flick. Using the Wii remote as a light gun is pretty much perfect for it too. The music takes me back to watching late night channel 4 grindhouse movies as a kid. 

 

23. Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2-Xbox 360

I am in the vast minority it seems but I actually much prefer this sequel to the original. A huge cast of characters to play with and a story based on Mark Millar’s Civil War storyline that ran through the entirety of the Marvel universe. I played through this twice with my olf flatmate to get both stories as you have to choose which side you are on halfway through the plot. A good roster including the big hitters like Spidey, Iron Man, Luke Cage, Storm, Dredevil, Deadpool….my boy Gambit…. and more with bosses like Bishop, She Hulk, Lady Deathstrike, Cable and more.

 

22. Punch Out!!-Wii

A loving tribute to the original game in which you play Little Mac and work your way up the boxing rankings fighting a fun cast of characters until you take on MiKE TYSON IN HIS PRIME!. One of the most notoriously difficult boss battles of all time and although he isn’t the boss in this game there’s still a hilarious group of new and old characters to fight. In fact nearly all of the original fighters are here like King Hippo and Glass Joe  Of course your loyal trainer Doc Louis is here and gets a big role in the game which is great. Just check out the brilliant trailer starring Paulie Malignaggi below.

 

21. Fifa 10-Xbox 360

This was the first Fifa of the “new” generation that really got me on board as I saw a big jump in quality from some previous entries. It looked great as most Fifa games do but the mechanics were very much improved and everything just clicked for me. The usual polish is here but it has the fun gameplay to match it.

 

20. Killzone 2-Playstation 3

While the first Killzone had loads of potential and looked stunning it fell a little short of it’s hype. Killzone 2 on the other hand lived up to the hype and again presented a stunning visual fps but the gameplay and plot was far better this time. Going up against the Helghast is tough and the last couple of levels are intensely hard but it’s a fun and exhilarating experience.

 

19. Machinarium-PC/Playstation 4

A beautifully artistic steampunk puzzle point and click adventure about a little robot named Josef who is dumped on a scrap heap and left there. He assembles himself and sets out into the city on an adventure. Beautifully drawn backgrounds and an overall stunning presentation, it’s one of those games that you stare at in awe and it makes you glad to be a fan of gaming because something so different and gorgeous turns up every so often.

 

18. MadWorld-Wii

Another game released on a Nintendo console that was a hell of a shock….not just the fact it was a Sega game and in my youth the two companies were at each other’s throats but the fact it’s an insanely over the top violent splatterpunk action game. An incredibly stylish third person hack em up in which you get points for stylish kills in a black, white and red aesthetic. Platinum Games really know who to put a great combat system together.

 

17.UFC Undisputed 2009-Xbox 360

The first UFC game since 2004 and the first since it’s massive worldwide popularity made it a big success and started a popular series. I remember a whole load of my mates who had never shown an interest in the sport got the game and we had loads of nights where we’d be gathered at someone’s house all playing it and it was such a great laugh. A new combat system using analogue stick wiggling for submissions and certain movement for transitions took a while to get used to but once you got it it was easy and fun.

 

16. Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth-DS

This spinoff plays a little bit differendif than a lot of the series as here you take control of prosecuting attorney Miles Edgeworth instead of Phoenix Wright. A lot of time is spent investigating crime scenes in third person levels while the rest is in the courtroom. Miles was originally Wright’s antagonist in the games and was seen as cold and calculating but this game fleshes him out a bit more and the heavy use of Dick Gumshoe is always welcomed by me. 

 

15.Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicles-Wii

The sequel to The Umbrella Chronicles continues the on rails light gun action revisiting locales in the Resi series. In this case the game takes us to Resident Evil 2 and Code Veronica while working as a prequel to Resi 4. Going back to the Resi 2 scenes was a real nostalgia blast for me and it’s fun to see it re imagined as a light gun shooter.

 

14. New Super Mario Bros. Wii-Wii

Lovely, whimsical, colourful and full of insane amounts of charm but it has to be said….a little formulaic sadly. It’s still a great and sometimes challenging game but there was a feeling that the 2d games needed something of a shakeup. It’s hard to say what that is as if it changed too much it would lose it’s identity…..such is the problem with created a masterpiece of a series. Anyhoo it’s still great and a classic style Mario game.

 

13. Silent Hill: Shattered Memories-Wii

Hands down the best Western developed Silent Hill game in my opinion and undeserving of the apathetic response it got. It’s not scary but the psychological aspect, in which a shrink asks you questions and the game plays out depending on your answers, is a genius touch and works really well. It’s a reimagining of the first game with a shocking twist at the end that left me mouth agape.

 

12. Fight Night Round 4-Playstation 3

 

The best in the fight night series in my opinion and one where the total control system really comes into fruition. Smooth, brutal boxing action with an excellent roster of current fighters and legends that includes Ali, Chavez, Donaire, Duran, Frazier, Foreman, Gatti, Hearns, Roy Jones Jr, Sugar Ray Robinson and loads more. Brilliant for someone who loves the history of the sport like me.

 

11. Resident Evil 5-Playstation 3/Xbox 360

A game that manages to be both really good and disappointing at the same time. The hype was huge with it having to follow Resi 4, one of the best action horror games of all time and fans were hoping, while they loved Resi 4, that Capcom would go back to the survival horror of the early games. Well that’s where the the disappointment come in as it’s more action orientated than ever. We all know the jokes about Chris punching the boulder to smithereens at the end of the game and it’s utterly worthy of the scorn poured upon it but there are some great moments in the game. The opening in the African village is stunning and there are plenty of great enemy designs and set pieces. Let’s not even get into the ridiculous racism row over the teaser trailer…..laughable stuff.

 

10. Professor Layton And The Spectre’s Call a.k.a The Last Specter-DS

Layton and his wee pal Luke are back for more puzzle solving adventures in this first game in the prequel trilogy. One of the best plots in the series and loads of really clever puzzles make it a really enjoyable and taxing experience. Here we find out how the loveable duo met and how they ended up adventuring together.

 

9. X-men Origins: Wolverine-Xbox 360

One of the rare occasions where not only is it a good game based on a movie but it’s actually better than the movie itself. Visceral, brutal and uber violent, it’s the Wolverine game fans had always dreamed of with Logan putting his claws to good use tearing through the flesh of enemies. Thankfully it only lightly follows the film with extra fleshing out of the plot and cool Easter eggs for fans of the comics. Hugh Jackman reprises his role as Wolverine and the plot sees him taking on bosses like The Blob, Sabretooth and….my boy Gambit of course.

 

8. Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2-Xbox 360

The sequel to the phenomenally popular first person shooter continues on from the quality of that game with some incredible set pieces and action scenes that put Michael Bay to shame. Soap MacTavish is a fine protagonist too and one of Scotland’s finest representations in gaming. There are other characters you play as too but who cares about them when Soap is involved. The White House scene remains a high point in the series…an incredible moment in gaming.

 

7 Bayonetta-Xbox 360

Platinum Games hit the jackpot with their new IP as Bayonetta the witch came onto the scene and became an instant hit with gamers. The beat em up action is so stylish and smooth with Bayonetta using her hair as a weapon and as a means of summoning demons which is an awesome touch. The plot is a load of nonsense but it’s fun nonsense and it’s been described as Devil May Cry with a female protagonist. While I see where they’re coming from a game so good and a protagonist of the charisma and quality of Bayonetta deserves to stand on it’s own feet.

 

6. F.E.A.R 2: Project Origin-Xbox 360

Here’s one my bud Rick will be giggling at again as although he likes F.EA.R he doesn’t understand my undying love for the series. Well I don’t know how to explain it other than it ticks all the boxes for me. Great atmosphere, brilliant antagonist, interesting plot influenced by Japanese horror and plenty of lovely violence. I’m not even the biggest FPS which makes i even more impressive that I love it so much. I could have done without that nasty end scene though……

 

5. Yakuza 3-Playstation 3

Probably my favourite series but some frustrating censorship decisions prevent this entry from being higher on the list. Certain elements like the now series standard hostess clubs were removed because the developers felt it wouldn’t translate well to western audiences but the whole reason the series has the fanbase it does is the unique Japanese elements of the game that help us learn more of the culture. It’s also the entry in the series that takes the longest to get going but io the positive side it’s probably the one with the most heart. Kazuya running the orphanage gets the lion’s share of the story and him balancing his business while looking after the large group of kids as they grow up under his guidance is incredibly sweet as you’ve been growing with these characters.

 

4. Dragon Age: Origins-Playstation 3

This is incredible. The top 5 could easily all top lists in other years but they are all fighting for supremacy on this great collection of games. Bioware created a new rpg series set in a fictional medievil style land of Ferelden full of mages, dwarves and all that Tolkien style goodness. The story is excellent, the combat is…decent, the characters are amazing and the role playing aspect really helps you create your own way of playing and your own storyline. Bioware love their romance options too. If you’re asking then ok I’ll kiss and tell. On my male playthrough it was Leliana and my female run it was Alistair…obviously, Alistair ruled.

 

3. Ratchet And Clank Future: A Crack In Time-Playstation 3

I can’t believe I don’t get to put this one on top of a list! Ah well this absolutely stunning action platform shooter is the best of the series and one of the best in the entire genre. Beautiful to look at, an intelligent and hugely entertaining plot, mind bending puzzles and surprisingly emotional moments. The cgi scenes are just unbelievable in this game and the in game engine itself just pops and sparkles with artistic genius. An aesthetic joy and more importantly a fun as hell game to play through. How in the fudge did this not make the top spot?.

 

2. Uncharted 2: Among Thieves-Playstation 3

This is getting ridiculous now. One of my favourite games of all time and it’s third. Nathan Drake is back, voiced by Nolan North and Naughty Dog followed up on the immense potential of the first game with an absolute stunner of a sequel. From the vertigo inducing intro (one of the greatest opening levels of all time) to the nail biting train scene the game is a cinematic adventure that plays out like the best action movie you’ve never seen. Almost every single moment of the campaign is an absolute belter.

 

 

1 Batman: Arkham Asylum-Xbox 360/Playstation 3

This was so so difficult but you have to understand what it was like for long term fans of Batman. It was the game we had always dreamed of, the one we had been promised over and over but had been let down by. I was genuinely almost in tears at one point just finding a collectible of Killer Moth or some random character like that because of the insane amount of fan service put into the game by developers who genuinely cared and didn’t use their gift of a beloved license to create a cash grab. The use of the voice cast from the 90s animated series was an inspired choice as was getting writer Paul Dini on board. The plot is great with Batman being trapped in the asylum in a horror tinged, claustrophobic atmosphere and it has some incredible moments that will stay with me forever. The game crashing due to Scarecrow’s fear gas? Genius.

 

Cheers for reading. Catch me @swing_kinker

 

 

 

 

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