Kinker Korner’s Top 35 Movies Of 1985 NSFW

We’re half way through the decade that fashion forgot and after an incredibly strong 1984 what will 1985 bring us? Well read on and stop listening to me babble on!.

 

35.Red Sonja

A spinoff of the Conan series starring Brigitte Nielsen when she was an impressive Amazonian beauty before she became a giant mess embarrassing herself on reality tv shows and grinding on top of the human raisin known as Flava Flav. Arnie had blown up as a mega star by the time this was coming out so all the promotion centred on him which is sad as it was female led sorcery action movie in a genre dominated by men. It’s terrible but in a really fun way.

Best Bit-

 

34.House

I always loved the painted house posters and they always suckered me into renting the movie despite them being pretty pants really…..fun but pants. The poster above is a variation and I’d never seen that one before. You wouldn’t know from the poster art but it’s actually a comedy horror which was a bit of a shock and it’s one of those films that if I’d seen as an adult I’d probably have disregarded it as being pumps but I enjoyed it for what it was.

Best Bit- Witch attack

 

33. Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure

Pee-Wee Herman was never really a big deal in Scotland, never really heard anyone talking about him growing up and only ever really heard of him from comedy shows mocking him for getting caught having a chug in a porno cinema and having his career ruined.  I always thought that was the idea of porn but hey I must be doing it wrong. Anyway by the time I was a teen I thought I was too old for his stuff but was advised to check it out as it’s more subversive and crazy inventive than I probably thought and that was completely true. His humour is a little hit and miss but very inventive and a lot of fun. Good to see him getting his career back on track with roles in the likes of Gotham.

Best Bit- Biker bar

 

32.Return To Oz

A cult classic that fans of the source material by author L. Frank Baum loved as it was the most faithful adaptation of his work and an incredibly dark movie by Disney standards. I can only imagine the amount of nightmares this caused some kids with it’s bizarre visuals and intense scenes. Creepy, bleak and trippy. Electro shock therapy for children anyone?.

Best Bit- The vault of heads

 

31.St. Elmo’s Fire

The film that popularised the annoying “brat pack” term for the ensemble cast of young twats. This one sees a group of post graduates deal with life in the adult world. It had an absolute banger of a theme tune from John Parr. It’s directed by Joel Schumacher who got slated for this movie and it’s treatment of teenage relationships….probably by people who can’t remember what being a teenager was like. By no means a classic but will definitely resonate with some.

Best Bit- Pub scene

 

 

30. Death Wish 3

What a weird movie. After the success of the original movie directed by food critic and failed Pete Waterman abortion Michael Winner the second movie was panned for being an inferior imitation of the first so for the third Winner went for what seems to be a parody of the first two. I always think of The Simpsons joke where Charles Bronson proclaims “I wish I was dead” as I watch him wander around this movie movie in a half arsed way dispatching seas of street punks without reloading or taking cover. Absurdly entertaining nonsense as we go from a desperately disturbed vigilante avenging the rape and murder of his wife to a guy shooting loiterers in the head.

Best Bit- Bazooka overkill

 

 

 

29. Yes, Madam a.k.a Police Assassins 2

Ahhh Michelle Yeoh you beautiful badarse. This was her starring debut alongside the great Cynthia Rothrock and it’s a fun, bombastic and silly action crime movie produced by Sammo Hung who also stars and has been on these lists several times. Great fun with Yeoh in particular shining. There’s one insanely rapey scene played for laughs though….ill advised to say the least.  It kicked off the “girls with guns” genre in Hong Kong that would go on to be very popular.

Best Bit- Yeoh in the masion

 

27. Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment

The ramshackle group of cops return and this time they are out of the academy on on the streets. Two of the series most popular characters made their debut in this sequel. Zed, Vinnie and Mauser make their first appearances here and it’s one of the more fondly remembered sequels.

Best Bit- Glue soap

 

26. Rambo: First Blood Part 2

Taking the first movie, which was something of an exploration of ptsd and the desperation it can cause, the makers of part to decided to forego any subtlety and ramped up the action and death toll but a million percent. It’s the absolute atypical 80s action movie which is seen in the million parodies this movie produced. An awful movie in every sense apart from the enjoyment factor and at the end of the day that’s all that matters isn’t it> Don’t listen to stuffy, sexless critics, listen to absolute studs like me. Also never look for a picture of me to back up my claims please. 

Best Bit-Bow and arrow bonanza

 

25. Brewster’s Millions

A comedy from the great Walter Hill starring Richard Pryor and John Candy about a man who inherits a rich family member’s  entire wealth on the condition he can spend 30 million dollars in 30 days after which he will receive 300 million. Sounds easy but he ends up with plenty of unforeseen problems and hilarity ensues etc. 

Best Bit- Monty goes recruiting

 

24. Out Of Africa

A monster critical hit that won several best of the year awards but not the illustrious Kinker Korner award!. An epic romantic drama starring Meryl Streep and Robert Redford based on the Karen Blixen autobiography. Unlike a lot of films on these lists it’s critical appeal has lessened over time with it’s slow pacing and overly long, indulgent run time but it’s still a beautifully shot movie with strong performances as usual from the stars.

Best Bit-

 

23. Teen Wolf

Comic fans might be interested to know that Jeph Loeb (once highly celebrated in the comic world, the despised) was one of the two writers of this movie, Matt Weismann being the other. The always likeable Michael J, Fox plays a seemingly average teen who discovers his family lineage has a strange history and he turns into a werewolf whilst playing basketball. Fun stuff.

Best Bit-First transformation

 

22. My Lucky Stars

A….you guessed it, a Sammo Hung directed action martial arts comedy that star Hung himself along with Jackie Chan and Yuen Biao. You know the drill here. Excellent, inventive prop based fight scenes and insane feats of physical prowess for our entertainment.

Best Bit-Funfair

 

21.Cocoon

A Ron Howard movie about aliens and immortality that has all the Howard trademark sentimentality and wonder that his early movies produce. Robert Zemckis was originally meant to be the director but was fired after his previous couple of movies had flopped despite being critical successes. He went on and did ok though as we’ll see later.

Best Bit-Death of an alien

 

20.Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome

WE DON’T NEED ANOTHER HEEEEERO!. George Miller’s third entry into the dystopian Mad Max series stars Tina Turner as the villain…..sold yet?. Definitely the weakest of the trilogy but it has so much insane charm and batshit crazy ideas and it’s just a hell of a lot of fun to watch. George Miller is fantastic.

Best Bit-Max vs Blaster

 

19.Mask

A heart wrenching tale about an ugly fella and his life struggles. Well, there’s more to it than that but essentially that’s what it is. Based on the real life story of Rocky Dennis, played by Eric Stoltz, who suffers from the incredibly rare lionitis that causes facial disfiguration. Cher plays his caring mother and the two deliver powerhouse performances in this tearjerker.

Best Bit-Rocky dies (best in terms of power)

 

 

18. The Colour Purple

Spielberg’s conscious move away from the blockbuster genre he had become known for was a critically successful one. This is a harrowing and at times sweet look at African American culture in the early 20th century and the obvious hardships brought on but their shameful and embarrassing treatment. There have been many movies depicting this despicable part of history and this is one of the better and more thoughtful ones.

Best Bit- Hell no

 

17. Mr Vampire

A vampire comedy martial arts movie that started a genre movement directed by Ricky Lau and produced by….sigh….Sammo Hung. I’m sorry I can’t help it if he’s everywhere. Other than the usual Hong Kong action that the industry is known for there are actually several beautiful gothic shots and the horror scenes are impeccably filmed. A real feast for the eyes from director Lau…..sounds like a tyrant.

Best Bit-Unleashing the vampire

 

16. Legend

Ridley Scott’s ode to the fables of old that terrified children worldwide is probably his most slept on movie and that’s a shame as although it’s not for everyone it’s a belter of a film. I wonder what Ridley’s obsession with unicorns is,.I mean I’m not complaining, unicorns are awesome but that’s two movies in a row from him to feature them. Stunning makeup effects and cinematography help make this an absolute pleasure to watch. A young Tom Cruise and Mia Sara star with Tim Curry producing a short but brilliant appearance as Darkness.

Best Bit- Meeting Darkness

 

15.Rocky 4

I’ll probably take some heat for this being so low but let me ask you this dear reader…..Does everyone forget that there was a subplot about a semi sentient feckin’ robot in this movie?!. Now I’m a massive cyberpunk fan as you can tell from these lists but Jesus wept leave it out of the Rocky movies. Utterly bizarre but other than that you have the best villain in the series, Ivan Drago played by Dolph Lundgren which is why people regard it so highly. …..That feckin’ robot though.

Best Bit- Drago vs Creed

 

14. Weird Science

I spoke about this more in my best comic book movies list so check it out there. Here we have a fun teen comedy about a couple of computer geeks who bring a computerized woman to life and…make her….a…sex slave? Hmmm maybe this hasn’t aged so well. Look nothing like that is implied I’m looking into it which says more about me maybe.

Best Bit- Meeting Lisa

 

13.Commando

The most 80s action movie of all time with Arnie taking on entire armies of baddies on his own standing in full view of the worst snipers of all time. It’s balls to the wall fun with stunt men flying all over the place and making Arnie look amazing. Such a good, goofy time with all the trademark one liners and hyper violence. The beautiful Rae Dawn Chong, daughter of Tommy co stars.

Best bit- “I lied”

 

12.Re-Animator

I talked about this more in my best zombie movies list. A darkly funny masterpiece from Stuart Gordon based on the H.P Lovecraft story “Herbert West The Reanimator” and Gordon would go on to make several Lovecraft adaptations. Fantastic effects and a great sense of fun make this a hell of an experience.

Best Bit- Talking head

 

11. Return Of The Living Dead

Another that was discussed more in my best zombie movie list, this is the most punk rock zombie movie ever which massively appeals to me. Funny, gory and constantly entertaining, this was the movie that popularised the whole zombies eating brains thing. Great cult fun.

Best Bit-Barricade fail

 

10. Fright Night

I love that poster so much. Tom Holland’s comedy horror has aged remarkably well and got a 2011 remake starring Colin Farrell and the late Anton Yelchin that was also pretty good. A  teenager suspects his neighbour is up to no good and stakes him out, discovering he is a vampire. A really well made film.

Best Bit- The discovery

 

9. Vampire Hunter D

An anime classic based on the Hideyuki Kikuchi novel about a young woman and a vampire hunter in a post apocalyptic world. Great soundtrack, great animation (in that charming 80s Japanese style), plenty of action and violence and it’s made by the director of Fist Of The North Star who is obviously well versed in creating dystopian future worlds.

Best Bit-Hiring the hunter

 

8. The Breakfast Club

Probably John Hughes’ most popular movie among the teenager demographic that he was appealing to at the time. A group of kids from different social circles bond whilst in detention and put their different social standings aside to team up against the strict teacher who has it in for them. Funny, relatable and warm.

Best Bit- Getting to know each other

 

7. Day Of The Dead

The third in the George Romero Dead trilogy is the weakest of the three but still thoroughly entertaining and full of social commentary, great practical effects and dark humour that the franchise is known for.

Best Bit- Bye bye Rhodes

 

6. Brazil

Terry Gilliam’s dystopian sci fi masterpiece isn’t a movie I hear talked about much these days which is tragic as it’s a real classic. It has similar themes to 1984 but approaches them with a more darkly comedic approach. It’s no picnic though and there is a truly bleak atmosphere throughout. A vicious condemnation of capitalism and consumerism

Best Bit The ending

 

5. A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge

Ahhh those Mathew Joseph Peak posters were just wonderful. Ok let’s get this out of the way, I love part 2. It’s seen as one of the weakest of the franchise but not for me. Yes it’s not nearly as good as the original and it has many problems with it but I remember going with my brother to Ritz video store when I was way too young and he got it for me. The excitement was off the chain and I watched it several times before having to return it. It’s fanbase has grown over the years with people appreciating the Freudian aspect and the chilling atmosphere.

Best Bit- Busting out

 

4.The Goonies

A brilliant comedy adventure following a group of kids on the hunt for treasure. Director Richard Donner really captures a great chemistry between the kids and the dialogue is funny and believable. One of those movies that, if you caught it as a kid it’ll stay with you forever. So much fun.

Best Bit- Meeting Sloth

 

3. Police Story

An action masterpiece and one of Jackie Chan’s greatest movies. Directed by the man himself, this really popularized the non traditional kung fu movie moving it away from the disciplined styles of varying martial arts and took it to a sprawling stuntfest with car chases, gun fights and more bombastic scenes. It’s just breathtaking in it’s energy and Chan himself considers this his best action movie.

Best Bit-Mall chase

 

2. Back To The Future

Robert Zemeckis bounced back from his Cocoon dismissal by directing a monster hit that remains one of the most beloved movies of the generation. A wonderfully whimsical and enjoyable sci fi time traveling adventure starring Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd. You’ve seen it haven’t you? Probably several times so you don’t need me to tell you about it, it’s brilliant.

Best Bit- Yer maw…wait, my maw.

 

1. Ran

The worst thing about being a fan of Japanese cinema is that at some point you have to discuss the greatness of Akira Kurasawa. What’s so bad about that? I hear you cry. Well, any pretentious film fan will rave about him whether they’ve seen any of his movies or not. It became the cool thing to talk about to impress people with your worldly knowledge, UGH. anyway that’s not Kurasawa’s fault and he is a legend for a reason. A stunningly shot modern adaptation of Shakespeare’s King Lear. Kurasawa’s last big epic.

Best Bit- Final battle

 

We’re half way there but not living on a prayer. Thanks for reading my ramblings and check out any other lists you may have missed (there is plenty to look at). I’ll be back soon with 1986 so stay tuned and catch me @swing_kink cheers x.

 

 

 

 

Comments

comments